Harry Potter's Gorgeous Prom Date
by twinklebug
Summary: Written for WTF Fanfiction's Worst Prom Fic contest. Fred, George, and Dobby conspire to get Harry the hottest prom date. What could possibly go wrong?


AN: I am going to hell for this. XD Also, it's been years since I've read the books (I only had time to skim them before I wrote this) so the canon is a little wonky, but meh. It's supposed to be bad. Enjoy!

Harry grit his teeth and angsted silently as he contemplated what was coming. Three weeks from now, Hogwarts was hosting its very first prom. He knew that Muggles attached a great deal of importance to the event. So much, in fact, that a group of Muggle parents had insisted Hogwarts have its own prom, since they believed it was a rite of passage no teen should miss. And since they weren't sure if they would be able to have a prom in the future, it was open to all fifth, sixth, and seventh years. And despite her dislike of Muggles, Professor Umbridge thought the idea was absolutely adorable. Many of the students were excited as well. The girls seemed to think it was an even bigger deal than the Yule Ball. But now he had the same dilemma as he did then: finding a date. Oh, sure, he wasn't required to have a date this time, but he would still look like a giant fucking loser if he didn't. He thought about asking Cho, but they hadn't been speaking since that very awkward blowjob she had given him that left him with a rash on his dick. Worse, apparently she had told all her friends that he was the one who gave her the rash, so he was sure none of the girls would want to be his date after that.

The entire school had taken a trip to London to get dresses, tuxes, and corsages for the prom, and loads of alcohol and condoms for the afterparty. Harry sat on a bench in Diagon Alley, blasting Linkin Park from his headphones and slitting his wrists. Why couldn't he just be normal? Maybe if he weren't the Chosen One he could get a freaking prom date!

"Hello Harry!" said Fred and George simultaneously.

"Oh, hi. What are you guys doing here?" Harry asked.

"Oh, our joke shop was so successful that we were able to open another business!" said Fred.

"Why are you looking so glum?" said George.

"Because Hogwarts is finally having a prom, and I don't have a freaking date!" Harry whined. "No girl wants me! Why do I have to be such a freak?!" Fred and George glanced at each other.

"I think..." said Fred.

"...We might..." said George.

"...Be able to help you out with that!" they said in unison. "Follow us!" They each grabbed one of his hands and pranced toward Knockturn Alley.

"You guys aren't thinking of buying me a hooker, are you?" Harry asked.

"Not exactly," said Fred.

"Better!" said George. Harry was concerned. They passed rows of run-down shacks and creepy looking people. The street smelled like a mixture of piss, semen, and cheap absinthe. Finally, they came to a new looking shop called "The Throbbing Wand".

"This is your new business?" Harry gasped. Magical dildoes hopped all over the store, wriggling themselves sensually into any nook and cranny they could find. Inflatable dolls winked and jiggled their tits at him. There were all kinds of oils and potions for increasing size, sensitivity, stamina, basically anything you could think of. "Wow!" said Harry. "This is incredible! But how is any of this supposed to find be a prom date?" They didn't expect him to go with one of the dolls, did they?

"Oh Dobby!" said Fred and George. Dobby jumped up from behind the counter, looking flushed and breathless.

"Harry Potter!" said the house elf, hiding something behind his back and letting it drop to the floor.

"Dobby, we finally have a use for that... special potion of ours!" said George.

"Oh! The special potion!" Dobby's eyes lit up. George flicked his wand at a lascivious painting of boobs, and the wall opened up to reveal a hidden cabinet. There were all kinds of bottles lined up. Some had the faces of hot celebrities on them, and he caught the distinct odor of Polyjuice Potion. Others had pictures of amorous goats and sheep. George pulled out a leaf-shaped bottle with a picture of Legolas taped to it.

"Here, Dobby!" said George. "Remember, just a small sip this time, we only want a demonstration." Dobby eagerly uncorked it and took a swig.

"Dobby likes this potion, yes!" said the house elf as he began to transform. Harry could only stare. Dobby was now as tall as he was. His gray skin had become milk white and smooth. He pushed back a curtain of silky blonde hair to reveal a delicate, chiseled face with wide sparkling sapphire eyes. His body was slender and attractive. Dobby was still an elf, but no longer a house elf. He looked like an elf from Lord of the Rings, except even prettier. Why was Harry getting a hard-on?

"Wow," said Harry. "I still don't know if I should take him to prom, I mean, I'm not gay..."

"Put Dobby in a dress, sir!" Dobby said. His voice sounded like the music of bells made of liquid sunshine.

"Yeah, Harry!" said Fred. "If he had clothes on, would you be able to tell he was a guy?" He had a point. Harry still thought it was a little weird, but the prospect of having a hotter prom date than anyone else was too good to pass up.

"Ok, Dobby, will you go with me to the prom?" asked Harry.

"Yes! Yes! Dobby would love to go with Harry Potter to the prom!" Dobby squealed.

"Okay, but while you're in this form, your name is Anuneth, got it?" said Fred as he handed "Anuneth" a dress.

"Yes! Anuneth is Harry's prom date! Harry Potter will be the envy of all boys at Hogwarts, and Anuneth will be the envy of all the girls!" said "Anuneth" as "she" took the pillowcase from around "her" neck and put the minidress on. Harry had to admit, "she" looked pretty sexy. He still had a raging boner. Just then, the door opened.

"Oh, hi Harry!" said Ron as he and Hermione walked in. Ron looked fidgety and nervous.

"Well, go on, ask them!" Hermione whispered. "Come on, we're all mature young people here. You can do this. Harry already knows, doesn't he?"

"Okay, but I'm not asking in front of that woman!" Ron whimpered. Anuneth was spinning around in her dress, letting her shimmering hair catch the sunlight.

"Anuneth is Harry Potter's prooom daaaate!" she sang. Ron and Hermione both looked startled.

"Well then!" said Hermione. "Anuneth. Why don't you and I go look for a proper prom dress and leave the boys to talk? They'll catch up with us when they're done. That dress is way too short for the prom." She eagerly pranced out the door with Hermione.

"Blimey, Harry, who's that?!" Ron asked. He was getting a boner too.

"So, what is it you wanted to ask us?" said Fred.

"Go on, don't be shy, we're your brothers!" said George with a shit-eating grin on his face. Ron clammed up, turning red as a turgid penis.

"He's been having some trouble performing," said Harry. Ever since Ron and Hermione had become sexually active, there were some nights when Ron had come back to the dormitory cursing, banging his head against the wall, and practicing random spells on his dick. He finally confessed what was going on after a particular spell backfired and he needed help carting his swollen junk in a wheelbarrow to Madam Pomfrey's.

"Not all the time," muttered Ron. "But I just wanna make sure Hermione and I have a good time on prom night, y'know?"

"Ah, nothing to be ashamed of," said Fred. "we have just the thing!" Fred opened another secret cabinet and pulled out a tiny pink vial.

"Rub the entire contents of this on your one-eyed trouser snake three hours before you plan to get busy," said George. "Make sure you use it all at once."

"And don't worry, boys, both your potions are on the house." said Fred. "This time!"

"Yay! Thanks guys!" said Harry as he and Ron walked out.

"What did you get, Harry? And who's your prom date? I didn't know the hot kind of elves existed around these parts!"

"She's, uh, from the Forbidden Forest Elven Academy. They don't make themselves known much. Keep to their own affairs." He made a mental note to explain the situation to Hagrid so he could back up the story in case any teachers asked questions. Just then, they spotted Hermione and Anuneth in Poofy's Dress Shop.

"That one's also way too short," said Hermione, shielding her eyes as the elf spun around and around.

"Harry..." whispered Ron. "Did you see? 'She's' got a trouser twinkie!"

"I know!" Harry hissed.

"Oh, it's Anuneth's prom date Harry Potter!" said Anuneth. She walked over and gave him a big sloppy kiss. Harry didn't pull away; she was a really good kisser!

"Here, Anuneth, try this on!" said Hermione, handing her a long, sparkly lavender dress. Anuneth pranced off to the dressing rooms.

"Okay Harry, where did you meet her?!" Hermione demanded. Harry paused for a moment to think up a good story. "Please tell me Fred and George didn't fix you up with a shemale elf hooker just now!"

"She's not a hooker!" said Harry. "She's a friend. We're totally platonic."

"Right!" Ron laughed. "That kiss was totally platonic! Though, I can't say I blame you. If I didn't know she had a dick, I'd make out with her too!"

"Ron!" Hermione shouted. "I'm standing right here!"

"Well, wouldn't you, Hermione?" he asked. Just then, Anuneth burst out of the dressing room, twirling around in the lavender gown. She was so beautiful, it looked like the beauty of a sparkling iridescent luminescent phosphorescent flower garden had been concentrated into the form of an elf. As she spun around, they caught the aroma of lavender, jasmine, and fresh cookies. Her voice sounded like the ringing of translucent crystalline angel bells. Everyone stared in awe, even the other people in the store.

"I, uh, think we found the perfect dress!" said Hermione, blushing and obviously aroused.

"Anuneth loves this dress! Anuneth could wear this dress forever!" Just then, Anuneth began to shrink. Her pearly white skin turned gray. Her delicate features suddenly bulged and became grotesque. Her golden hair grew back into her head. "Oh! Anuneth is... Anuneth is Dobby again!" said Dobby dejectedly as he sat in the middle of the crumpled dress.

"Dobby?!" Ron burst out laughing. "Is that what the potion you got is for? Wow, Harry. That's pretty desperate!"

"Hey, Dobby looked good!" said Dobby, pouting.

"Okay, so there's a potion that turns house elves into fantasy elves," said Hermione. "What I want to know is, why is it sold in a sex shop?! Imagine what it's normally used for! That's immoral!"

"Oh, shut it Hermione," said Ron. "You didn't say a thing when my brothers were openly selling date rape drugs at their joke shop!"

"Hermione, I promise I only need a prom date. I'm not going to do anything inappropriate with him. It's Dobby."

"Dobby would not mind if Harry Potter did!" said the house elf, pulling his pillowcase back on.

"Still," said Harry. "Sorry Dobby, but you're not getting any action. You're just going to be my escort."

"Dobby does not mind! Dobby will be so grateful to have a night just like Cinderella!"

Harry bought the dress, and let Dobby take it back to the train. He still had a raging boner. Ron and Hermione had gone behind the store to have a quickie. Harry found an empty alleyway two blocks down and started jerking off.

"Beating your meat in public, Potter?" Malfoy's voice rang out. "That's a new low, even for you!Though, I guess that's all you can do to practice for prom night! Are you going to get a pretty glove for your hand and say it's your date?" Crabbe and Goyle just giggled stupidly. Harry's first instinct was to pull his pants up, but then he thought better of it and looked Malfoy in the eye while continuing to stroke the salami.

"For your information, I have a date," Harry replied. "And she's hotter than any girl desperate enough to go out with you!"

"Is that so?" Malfoy sneered.

"Yes. Now are you going to stare at my cock all day? It's quite flattering, but I really don't swing that way." said Harry. Malfoy scowled and ran off, muttering under his breath.

The day of the prom had arrived. Harry was so excited. Not only was he going to prom, something he never thought he'd do, but he had the hottest date in school! The potion would last four hours, which was more than enough time. Harry didn't plan to stay that long. Dobby was going to wait until the last minute to drink it. It wouldn't leave him much time to prepare, but it wasn't like "Anuneth" needed much preparation. He put on his tux, combed his hair, and went down to the ballroom. Ron and Hermione were already waiting there. The music was about to start. He could hear Malfoy and his friends snickering, "See? He doesn't have a date!" Then, everyone went silent as she appeared. Anuneth walked down the stairs in her gorgeous purple gown. Harry smiled, walked over, and took her hand, enjoying the stares of envy from his peers. Malfoy was gaping like a fish. Then the dance began. Everyone started jamming to the music. Anuneth was an incredibly graceful dancer. She pulled Harry close and started grinding with him. He knew he shouldn't; this was really Dobby after all. But, damn! He would even grind with Kreacher if he had a body like that! Next, a slow song came on. Her lips brushed his. They slowly began to kiss, but then Harry caught himself.

"I can't," he said. "Think of how awkward this will be when you change back. It's already going to be awkward enough."

"Anuneth doesn't care," she whispered. "Anuneth wants to have sex in this form. If Harry Potter looked like this for a day, Harry Potter would understand." Well. He couldn't argue with that. Just then, the music stopped and Dumbledore's voice rang out.

"Students, it's time to crown our Prom King and Queen!" he said. He unfolded a piece of paper. "Our Prom Queen is, Lavender Brown!" Everyone cheered. "And our Prom King is, Ronald Weasley! More cheers. Ron looked surprised, then he grinned.

"Just one dance, and I'll come right back!" he said to Hermione, who looked a little irritated. Ron got up on stage and accepted the crown.

"Hey, you gotta admit this is nice for him," said Harry. "He doesn't get to shine very often."

"If I'd known she was going to be Queen, I'd have campaigned myself!" Hermione grumbled. Then the crowd started to murmur. Ron's hips were bucking back and forth and there was a high-pitched cackling coming from his pants. Suddenly, his penis burst free from his zipper! It had an ugly little face and it screeched, "I AM CORNHOLIOOO! EEEHEEEHEEEHEE! BUNG-HOOOLE!"Ron tried desperately to put it back in his pants, but it was wiggling too much. It continued to jabber, "I AM RON WEASLEY'S BUNGHOLE! BUNGHOLE BUNGHOLE BUNGHOLE! RON WEASLEY LIKES BUNGHOLES!" Ron started swearing and hitting his unruly member with his fist. By now, everyone was rolling on the floor laughing.

"Fucking brothers of mine! I'll kill them!" Ron grumbled aloud. "How can this possibly get any worse?" As if on cue, his enchanted penis sprouted wings and detached from his crotch. It flew around the room, now glowing neon orange and shooting purple flourescent cum sparkles at everyone. Umbridge screamed and fainted. Dumbledore and McGonagall shot some spells at it, but they had drank quite a bit of punch before they realized it was spiked, and their aim was severely off.

"Come on, Harry, let's catch it!" said Hermione.

"Accio Ron's penis!" Harry shouted. The flying penis came barreling towards him. "It's just like catching a Snitch," he thought to himself. Except, unlike a snitch, Harry was not okay with catching this in his mouth. He grabbed it in his hand just as it almost hit him in the face. The penis laughed and coated him with a giant load of glowing purple cum. "Arrgh!" Harry screamed. It slipped out of his grasp. "Okay, everyone who plays Quidditch!" Harry shouted. "Summon your broomsticks and catch that penis!" Soon the air was full of half-drunk Quidditch players, shrieking and giggling as they went after the rampant Ron-sausage. It was now glowing neon green, and shooting pink sparklecum at everyone who got within a foot of it. The music started back up again. He swore he could hear its screechy little voice singing along. Harry chased it around for several more laps, but he was getting exhausted. He finally landed and took a break. Ron had the same idea.

"Don't worry, it'll come back eventually," said Harry.

"Ugh, Hermione, this is all your fault!" said Ron. "I wouldn't ever have gone to Fred and George if you hadn't bothered me about it endlessly!"

"Well, excuse me for having needs, Ron!" she shot back at him.

"Excuse me, Mr. Potter," said Professor McGonagall. "That date you brought... Hagrid said she's from some elf school nearby? Anyway, she has had sex with five other students right in this room! I suggest you tell her a thing or two about proper decorum in a school setting!" Harry groaned.

"Sorry, Professor, she's a little slow at learning human ways," he said. He looked nervously at Ron.

"Oh, go find your slutty date," he grumbled. "I can catch my own dick." McGonagall stared blankly at them and poured herself another large glass of punch.

"Anuneth!" Harry shouted. He found her sandwiched between Romilda Vane and Seamus Finnegan. All three were naked and bumping uglies.

"Join us, Harry Potter!" said Anuneth. "Anuneth still has her mouth free!"

"Anuneth, stop that!" Harry shouted. "You're embarrassing me!"

"All right, all right, let Anuneth and her friends finish!" she panted.

"Harry, you gotta tell us where this elf school is!" said Seamus.

"Hahaha, wow!" said Malfoy. "Harry's date sure gets around! And... what is she, a dickgirl?"

"I think she's actually a dude, but who cares?" said Seamus.

"Not me!" said Romilda.

"Anuneth wants to have sex with Draco Malfoy next!" said Anuneth. "Anuneth has been watching Draco a long time. She has really wanted to fuck him a long time, sir."

"Ugh!" said Harry. "Okay, do what you want, you point-eared slut. I'd rather chase Ron's dick than have sex with you!"

"Yeah, you go chase Weasley's dick!" Draco shouted after him. "Like always!" The runaway schlong was now turning a variety of neon rainbow colors and shooting fireworks. Most people had given up trying to catch it. Harry headed over to the punch bowl. He drank several cups until he started to feel woozy. Then, the lights all turned to the stage. Malfoy and Anuneth were up there, naked.

"Now, everyone watch as I screw Harry Potter's date!" Malfoy shouted into the microphone. All the Slytherins cheered. Malfoy and Anuneth started to hump like rabbits while porn music started to play. Harry sighed. Maybe it would have been better to go dateless or sit alone in his room. But then, everyone started to gasp and murmur. Anuneth's musical squeals of pleasure were replaced with the noisy moans of a house elf. Draco was so deep in the throes of pleasure that it took him a moment to open his eyes and realize Dobby was impaled on his cock! He screamed, threw Dobby into the crowd, and ran away. Everyone burst out laughing.

"That was wicked, Harry!" said Dean. "Except... we all screwed Dobby?"

"Yeah!" said Harry. "Yeah, I knew Dobby would do that. It was a prank. Now you horny bastards all have House Elf Herpes or whatever that disease is!"

"Give me that, you little twerp!" Ron shouted. Apparently a very unsatisfied Dobby, desperate for release, had finally managed to catch Ron's dick and was now shoving it in his butt. Ron caught him and retrieved his member. Dobby scampered off, banging his head against every object he came across and yelling, "Bad Dobby! Bad Dobby! Very bad Dobby!"

"Well, at least it's almost back to normal," said Ron. "Maybe all it needs is a good screw. Want to wash it off and-"

"You're going to need to soak that overnight in rubbing alcohol before I'll touch it!" said Hermione. "God knows where else it's been!"

"Rubbing alcohol? Hermione, it's still a dick! How would you like rubbing alcohol on your-"

"Well, this has been a night to remember!" said Harry. "I sure hope they keep this prom thing up! It was actually kind of fun."


End file.
